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Yes, he does. His flavor is both manly and refreshing, like a combination of jalapenos and whipped cream. He’s the flavor of the moment, and everyone wants a taste.

He also has a wonderful, masculine scent, a mingling of tobacco, fine leather and moth balls, with just a hint of Guinness. Men swoon and women gasp when they catch a whiff of his musky fragrance. Whole packs of male reporters follow him everywhere, so entrancing is his odor to members of his own sex. (He’s even had to hire Blackwater to keep Chris Matthews at bay.) Trips to the bathroom can be an adventure, to say the least.

When he was a lad of ten, my candidate once defeated two dozen ninjas and a whole platoon of Communist invaders single-handedly, all before breakfast. Afterwards he aced his Molecular Biology and Conversational Mandarin exams, then delivered his dissertation in Astrophysics. (He’s a rocket scientist, too.)

In his first week at law school, my candidate won a landmark decision against the greedy insurance and oil companies that have raped and pillaged this great land of ours. This victory gave his clients – a family of orphans from Appalachia – $50 billion and the rights to all the land west of the Mississippi. Then he championed tort reform to prevent that kind of abuse of the courts from ever happening again.

He’s so kind and good that he wipes his followers’ feet with scented oils, and then dries them with his long, silky hair.

He tugged on Superman’s cape and spit into the wind, and lived to tell the tale.

His tears can’t cure cancer, but just touching the hem of his garments has been known to cause spontaneous remissions. That is why his rallies are so packed and his clothes are so tattered; everyone just has to touch him.

Yes, my candidate is all that and more. And that’s why you (and you, and you, and you….) ought to vote for him. He’s tasty, fragrant, strong, gentle, masculine, brilliant and all around wonderful. What more could you want in a candidate?

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To know him is to hate him.

You know, if Rudy Giuliani was a human being instead of a racist, fascist piece of garbage, one might almost feel sorry for him. Almost. As it is, the series of disasters and blunders that have swamped his campaign are the most amusing development in the current presidential campaign. The mayor who would be king (or rather, dictator) must be feeling a bit like many a law-abiding Black man did back in the day when his NYPD thugs were frisking, beating, shooting and sodomizing anyone caught living while Black.

If Ghouliani were a rational man, he would never have been fool enough to run for president in the first place. There are so many reasons this was a foolhardy enterprise, but ego and arrogance got the better of him. The highest office Ghouliani has ever held is mayor, and as anyone with any grasp of US history knows, no mayor has ever gone directly to the Oval Office. Yet the rude one stupidly thought that he could ride “9/11 24/7/365″ straight to the top. Plenty of politicians with better resumes, governors and senators, have been unable to translate stellar accomplishments into success in presidential campaigns. Ghouliani definitely drank his own Kool-Aid when he decided that he had the juice to succeed the Chimperor.

Even without the impediment of his lowly mayoral status, Mr. 911 would have had to contend with his well-known checkered past. Where others are said to have skeletons in their closets, this guy’s skeletons are out in the open, dancing about like they jumped right out of a Harryhausen movie. When you run all of his scandals, shady dealings and ethical entanglements, it sounds surreal.

1. His father was a small-time mob enforcer, a fact not usually mentioned in his official bio;
2. He was married to his cousin for 14 years before deciding that was too icky even for him;
3. He had a secret passage installed between his city hall office and that of his mistress/aide, Christyne Lategano, and was caught screwing her on his desk;
4. He tried (and failed) to move mistress Judi Nathan into Gracie Mansion while his wife and children were still in residence (no wonder his son hates both of them);
5. He held a press conference in which he announced that he was divorcing second wife Donna Hanover without first informing her of his decision; the press did the honors, on live TV;
6. He decided to put the city’s emergency command center in the World Trade Center complex over the objections of experts’ concerns about the possibility of another terrorist attack on the site. Giuliani’s reason for choosing the site? He wanted his bunker within walking distance of his office so that he could go there for midday trysts with Judith Nathan and other mistresses;
7. During his affair with Nathan, he gave her a police escort with the rather flimsy excuse of unspecified threats from the public. The cops chauffeured Nathan about like her personal limo service and even walked her mutt;
8. He installed Bernie Kerik, a totally unqualified thug, as corrections chief, then as police commissioner. Kerik’s epic corruption included giving city contracts to mob operated businesses in exchange for kickbacks and using a donated apartment for an affair with Judith Regan;
9. Formed Giuliani partners to exploit his post-911 notoriety; does business with various shady entities and even a terror sponsor or two

And that’s just for starters. Has there ever been a candidate with a past as rich in deeply scandalous crap as Ghouliani? You have to give him one thing: it takes balls to run for anything higher than dogcatcher with a background like that.

It’s a damned shame he won’t make it to the general. The Democrats could pummel him with his many scandals, even without the aid of the goper-loving press corpse. Almost makes me sad to see Rude E. go down.

Almost.

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A Fire In Satan’s Office? Isn’t That a bit Redundant?

We’ve all heard the official story — an electrical fire in a closet of all places — but the flames in Cheney’s office naturally invite speculation. (A flaming closet is the perfect metaphor for the modern gop, however, in light of the Larry Craig debacle, Jeff Gannon, Ken Mehlman, Trent Lott, and countless other repug closet cases.)

How likely is is that Vice’s office would spontaneously combust just days after a federal judge declared that the White House has to release its Secret Service visitor logs, including those for the Vice’s residence? One should also remember that Cheney has a lot of bodies to bury — Scootergate, the energy task force, the Iraq war, Halliburton, cooking intel on Iran, Harry Whittington, and Lord knows what else. The man’s office is so chock-full of nefarious crap that he keeps “man-sized Mosler safes” stuffed to the brim with documents he needs to keep hidden from the light of day. (And possibly a few bodies, since the safes are “man-sized”.)

The Vice has so much shit to bury he must feel like a cat in an overflowing litterbox. What better way to “disappear” a whole slew of inconvenient truths than to stage an “accidental” fire in the Vice’s lair? He gets rid of the evidence of his many crimes, the cable newsers get a chance to rubberneck at a fire, and no one (but us tinfoil hatties) is the wiser. It’s the perfect crime, just like all of bushco’s other capers.

Of course, there’s another explanation for the Inferno in Cheney’s office. Maybe his pants are literally on fire….

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Time’s Person of the year, Vladimir Putin; lol caption by Terror Cheese

George W. Bush looked into Vladimir Putin’s eyes and saw his soul. (Presumably it was like looking into the soul of Putin’s infamous namesake, Vlad the Impaler.)

When Colin Powell looked into Putin’s eyes, he saw three letters: K G B.

When rational people look into Putin’s eyes, they see death.

When Time Magazine’s editors looked into Putin’s eyes, they saw a chance to avoid making Al Gore the Person of the Year.

The choice is about as popular as the American Bar Association’s selection of Abu Gonzales as their Lawyer of the Year. Rick Stengel is probably hoping ol’ Pooty-Poot lobs a few Cruise missiles at us in the next twelve months so that their choice will be justified.

UPDATE

According to Paul Krugman, Putin’s resemblance to a certain house elf caused a ruckus in Russia recently.

I wonder why?

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